Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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