mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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