She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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