wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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