when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
