Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
