i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
