if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
