I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
