btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
