I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
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