At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
