the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
