I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
