i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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