Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
