So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
