I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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