We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
