I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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