I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You were trust falling into bushes
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
