the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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