it was like eating out sand paper
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
