Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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