I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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