Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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