hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
3 2 1 whiskey
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
