Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
