I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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