i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
