I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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