I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
