I should be sponsored by Trojan
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
