sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
