Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Randomize
