Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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