i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
