she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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