Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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