she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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