I CAN MOONWALK!
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
