I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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