Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
