he thought i was a dude.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
