those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
