I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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