You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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