i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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