Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
