the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Randomize
