im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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