You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
